Groupon saves the day again with another sweet new thing to add to my collection. A private lesson in muay thai kickboxing, which is what MMA and UFC fighting is based off of. Included in the Groupon is also a month's worth of free group classes to whip my butt into submission.
So, tonight I headed to a martial arts studio fairly close to my house with absolutely no idea what to expect. I was to meet with a private instructor to go over basics, get my hand wraps and try not to accidentally punch myself in the face.
I arrived early, as I pretty much always do to everything, and I was parked next to the building so I could only see part of the front space. There were three young boys just kind of sitting around, and I kind of worried about making a fool of myself in front of pre-teens. That's the last thing I need right now. I hoped that the girl I was to meet wouldn't be in a back room or something. I hate not knowing where I'm supposed to go or where I'm supposed to be. That's why I'm always early. So, I don't look like the big goober.
Eventually, I had to walk in and as I rounded the corner to the front door, I stopped dead in my tracks. There, in the wide open space in the back of the building was a room full of 30 or so people beating the ever-loving crap out of each other. Great. Here I was worried about learning the basics in front of 3 10-year olds, and now, I get to put on a show in front of people doing what looks to be hand-to-hand combat training. A goober, indeed.
I swallowed the little bubble of nerves threatening to make their presence known in a big pile on the floor, and I pushed my way inside. My nostrils started to tingle at the stench of ball sweat and B.O. as they hung heavy in the air. I gasped for some fresh air, but it never came. Already feeling nauseous, this was likely going to put me over the edge in no time. I watched for a few moments and all I could see was people kicking, punching and grunting at each other.
I was pretty much freaking out at this point. I'm no stranger to making fun of myself, but I've kinda let myself go over the last year, and I'm not in as good of shape as I used to be. Insert sad frowny face and pathetic music here. So, doing anything physical in front of strangers, especially possibly cute strangers, leaves me feeling a bit gaggy.
I immediately met Ana, who took me into her office to fill out paperwork. Another form to fill out saying I understand the risk that I could seriously get hurt and how I won't blame them, blah blah blah. Why do I keep doing this stuff? Shortly thereafter, the group of people parted like the Red Sea and everyone took off, since class had just ended. Thank. God. A few people stopped into the office to pay while I was sitting there, and one girl got so close to me that I could literally feel the sweat droplets trying to free themselves from her body by jumping onto mine. Whoa whoa whoa, honey. Personal space! Learn it. Practice it.
After a few minutes, I met Erica, who would be my actual instructor. Erica was maybe 5'2" and cute as a button. This girl is going to teach me how to kick box? Really? I'm going to have to bend down if I want to spar with her!
She quickly showed me where to stow my things and we headed into the giant open space occupied moments ago by a giant sweat-soaked hoard. Sans shoes and socks. I'm not much of a germophobe, but I do have to say that walking barefoot across a floor that probably had more than its fair share of foot sweat, made me a bit queasy. I really hope those were antimicrobial floormats.
Erica's first question was if I had any kickboxing experience, and I said that I was limited to the cardio kickboxing/Turbo Kick type stuff at the gym. She kind of rolled her eyes and said "that's not real kickboxing". I know honey, but it's all I've got!
We started with the fighter's stance, which for me (being right-hand dominant) is the left foot in front of the right, the fists up under the eyes and the elbows out making a pyramid shape. Easy enough. I am at least used to this from my so-called kickboxing classes. Next, I learned how to jab with the left hand, and punch directly forward. Being sure to say a quick "sshh" and exhale as I punched. (Doing that little shhh move is supposed to be good for the core. I wonder how weird it would be to start doing this at work while I'm at my desk. Try it. You'll see how much it contracts your core.) This was followed by a cross with the right, hooking with the left and upper cuts with the right. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. I can do this in my sleep. My initial Turbo Kick instructor was skilled and taught us all good form even if we were just punching the air.
I should probably take this time to note that while I had hoped that I wouldn't have an audience for this little session, I was sadly mistaken. I didn't have the large group of kickboxers, but I did have a group of about a dozen or so guys practicing jiu jitsu, which is a lot of ground fighting - from what I could tell. Great, so much for not making an ass of myself. At least they seemed pretty occupied with rolling on the floor for the next half hour or so, so hopefully they didn't notice me much.
Now, Erica didn't just show me the punches and move on. She grabbed the gloves for me and the punch pads for herself. I had to jab then cross about 63 times, aiming at the little circle in her hands and keeping my guard up at all times. Then, she wanted me to hook and upper cut for 57 times, followed by all 4 punches an even 80 times.
I may have over-exaggerated a bit.
I thought my arms were going to fall off. Each time I hit her pad, she would just yell "Harder!" Dammit woman, I'm hitting you as hard as I can!! She stopped me a time or two to help out with my form or to remind me to breathe out with my "sshh", but mostly I just kept punching.
I was working up a pretty decent sweat at this point and we were less than 15 minutes into our session. Erica complemented me on my fundamentals and she was glad that I knew enough to move on. She also said she was glad I listened to her when she asked me to do something. I always was a good student!
Next, we moved on to the roundhouse kick, and I discovered it was different than what I've previously learned. The only fundamental that stayed the same was the pointing of the toe, which helps keep you from breaking your foot right off your leg. Essentially you raise your back leg straight up and out to the side and then swing it stiff-legged at your target. You want to make a 7 with your leg. Be sure to keep your toe pointed and hit the pads with your shin. The way I originally learned it is what Erica called a step-kick. You raise your knee, then kick to the side, then bring your foot back in and lower your leg. Four movements as opposed to the two she wanted from me.
I wasn't terrible, but it sure felt awkward as hell. Once Erica told me to throw my shoulder weight into it, my kicks became a lot more powerful. I have to say kicking the crap out of those pads beats jumping and kicking into thin air any day. I was feeling on top of the world! Until she made me switch to the other side and use my left leg. I felt like a newborn calf trying to take its first steps. I felt so awkward and weak. For Christ's sake, I don't even think I could have killed a fly on the pads. Wow. It was kinda pathetic. (Again, I over-exaggerate a bit here. I really wasn't that bad.)
To make me completely forget everything else in the world, Erica decided to make me do roundhouse kicks for a solid 2 minutes. 10 on each side before switching back and forth. 2 minutes, eh? Sounds easy right? Not so much. I did it, but it wasn't pretty. The last few sets looked more like a sad "r" than a 7. I was definitely feeling the burn at this point, but I felt great. I knew I wouldn't be able to sit down comfortably for 3 days, but hey, who needs to sit anyways.
And that was the extent of our training. I was kinda bummed I didn't learn more, but, oh wait, I forgot to mention the effing calisthenics. Oh yeah, Erica wasn't ready to turn me loose yet. I had a minute of squats, a minute of sit-ups and a minute of push-ups to do before I could go. FML I'm pretty decent at squats, so I opted to do those first, but I should have done the push-ups instead. I hate those. I have weak little bird wrists that will probably snap in two if you look at them wrong. Erica was teasing me that I had to do at least 10 real push-ups before I could cheat and do them on my knees. I managed to barely eek out 10 push-ups, if you could actually call them that. They were ugly, sloppy and pretty bad, but dammit, they were close enough. I managed quite a feet cheater ones too with my knees down before I collapsed in a heap on the floor that had grossed me out not 30 minutes before.
Erica seemed a bit concerned that I was so terrible at the push-ups. "You're strong, I felt it during those punches. It doesn't make any sense that you can't do push-ups." I'm paraphrasing here, I don't really remember what she said, but she did seem confused at my lack of skills at pushing my own body against gravity. I tried to tell her I had little baby wrists...I guess now she believes me.
That concluded our quick introductory lesson and I realized that I now smelled like the inside of a boy's locker room. I didn't have a dry inch of fabric on my shirt, yet I felt stronger than I have in a long time. Erica taught me how to bow, as they do after every lesson, and I gathered my things to talk to Ana. She explained that with my Groupon I get to go to as many classes over the next month as I'd like. They meet every MWF evenings and Saturday afternoons. Sweet. I probably won't be able to get out of bed the next day, but that's what this is for, right?
Then, she told me what happens after the Groupon expires. There is a $199 registration fee, followed by a year-long membership at $99/month. Holy highway robbery, batman! Are you kidding me? I do get a special discounted rate on the registration fee because of the Groupon, but that's still $1200 over the next year. I'll have to figure out if it will be worth it or not before I commit to anything. (*Side note, I thought it over for a hot second, and decided that while it would be an awesome workout, it's not in the budget right now.)
Ana also gave me my hand wraps, in a fun shade of lime green, that I will be shown how to use at my first class next week. I'm excited, yet extremely nervous about doing this in a class setting and sparring with an actual partner. We each have to take turns holding the pads for the other person. I think I may be more worried about holding the pads while some stranger tries to beat the crap out of me.
*Another side note: it's two days later and my whole body ached all day today. Especially between my shoulder blades and my obliques. Laughing made me cry. Can't wait to see how bad I hurt after 45 minutes of non-stop action!
Monday, 3/5/12
So, I had my first group class tonight. I was still a bit nervous, but not as much as I thought. At least I knew a few things, so hopefully I wouldn't make a complete ass of myself. I got there early enough for Ana to show me how to use the hand wraps, and at least 6 other girls were there for the first time too. That eliminated the rest of the nerves I had. At least I wouldn't be the only one.
There's a specific way to use the hand wraps, and I just know I won't remember the exact method the next time I have class. I was afraid I might wrap them too tightly and then lose all feeling in my fingers, but it felt pretty good. Ana said a slight tingling is normal for the first few times you do it. Uh, I don't think that's considered "normal".
Love the lime green.
Good to go!
After we were all wrapped up, we learned how to use the pads. You don't really stand there and let the other person beat the crap out of you, you have to use your own strength to resist their punches and kicks. For the punches, you have to press toward the person punching you with the hand pads that kind of look like catcher's mitts that have put on a few extra pounds. This was pretty easy, and I quickly realized that you still get a good upper body work out resisting the other person's punches.
Next, we grabbed the thai pads for kicks. They are rectangular in shape and cover your arms from elbow to fingers. To take a kick, you place them next to each other, straight up and down and perpendicular to the floor. When you see the kick coming, you bump them towards the leg to resist. Easy enough, right? When Ana did her first one, it made me jump a bit because I wasn't really ready for it. And that was just a warm up. When she used her full force, I felt the hair on the back of my head stand straight up and I felt like my ears were ringing. Good grief, that chick is powerful! I should mention here that she wasn't even kicking. She was using her entire arm to simulate a kick. And yes, she was pretty badass. And yes, I felt like a weenie.
The last bit of advice she gave was to keep the thumb on the outside of the handle when using the thai pads or you could injure your thumb. And by injure, I'm pretty sure she meant break. I hadn't really thought of that. I mean, I know there's a chance for injury in kickboxing - I did read the form before I signed it, but I hadn't really thought about the fact that I could injure myself in these beginner lessons. I'd hate to have to explain to my boss that I couldn't work because I broke my thumb defending myself against a 110lb kickboxer.
Our instructor was ready to get started, and he broke everyone up into groups of two. Except for me. There was an odd number of people, so I got stuck with a pair of girls who had signed up together. I shall call them Tweedledee and Tweedledum from now on. Before we had even started, they couldn't stop giggling, and I loathed the fact that I was paired up with them. I was there to work up a sweat, not babysit.
We started with a quick warmup to practice kicks. It was a simple exercise where you kick low, then medium, then high. Easy enough, but with 3 people and the bobsy twins, it was more difficult than it should be. We then grabbed some pads and started our punch routine. I received the punches while the girls took turns doing a jab then cross 10 times, followed by a push-up, and then right back into it. Each girl took turns, and I think they lucked out with having 3 people. All the other groups had only two people, so the same person did all the punching and push-ups. Tweedledee had some power behind her punches, but her aim was terrible, and I was afraid she was going to miss the pad and punch me in the face. Tweedledum was barely using any strength, and I think I was pushing back at her harder than she was punching me. That round was followed by a cross/hook/cross, and again they took turns after 5 reps.
I was working up a pretty decent sweat at this point, yet I hadn't really done anything. Not sure if that's a good sign or bad. Before we switched, we had to do 1 minute of push-ups, followed by a minute of shoulder touches (you get in a push-up position, and alternate touching your right hand to your left shoulder and your left hand to your right shoulder, all while staying in that position), and then a full minute of arm circles. I'm kind of glad I hadn't done my punches yet, because I don't think I would have been able to do any of that. I did do cheater push-ups for the first minute though. Don't judge me.
Finally, it was my turn to do the punches, and I was rocking it out. For all of 30 seconds. Tweedledee realized that I punched a hell of a lot harder than she did, so she kept moving backwards ever so slightly as I was punching. I'd end up having to really reach to hit the pads, so I'd move closer to her. It's a good thing we only had a few minutes of this because we probably would have wound up on the other side of the room if we kept it up. She kept giggling, but she had this look on her face like she wouldn't want to come across me in a dark alley. The two girls switched so they wouldn't have to use the pads the whole time - wusses - and the same went for Tweedledum. She kept looking like she was afraid I was going to punch her and steal her lunch money or something.
Punches were over, and we had a minute of sit-ups, a minute of swimmers (lay on your back and move your legs up and down like you're swimming) and another minute of sit-ups. My first minute was solid. I'm not terrible at sit-ups, however, I am terrible at swimmers. And my abs and hip-flexers were NOT happy with me.
Kicks came next, and once again I grabbed the pads first. I gotta stop doing that. The kick routine was 10 slow kicks, followed by 10 rapid kicks, then repeat on the other leg. I don't think the girls remembered the form from their beginner lesson, because they were just kissing the pads with their legs. I barely felt a disturbance in the force. So, I kept bumping them harder trying to get some more power. Tweedledee had a bit more oompf in her step, so I felt like she was doing a better job. Tweedledum, on the other hand, I was pretty certain might break her toe at one point.
They kept asking to switch because they felt bad that I was having to block all the kicks. I told them it wasn't a big deal, and we'd switch it out in a few minutes. I was getting annoyed, and I realized later that they probably weren't concerned for me, they just wanted to stop kicking for a hot second. They did, however, say that I was a good instructor (I was helping with their form), and that I was really sweaty. Gee, thanks.
Our next kick routine was a bit odd. We were to do two kicks on one leg, then 4 knees, then two kicks with the other leg, followed by four more knees. The weird part is that the person kicking was supposed to grab the pad holder around the back of the neck, and bend them forward enough so the kicker could thrust their knees up into the pads. This looks cool when the experienced guys do it. However, when the 3 of us attempted to try, I didn't resist the knees enough with the pads, and I kept hitting myself in the boob with them. Not exactly what I had in mind.
It wasn't that the girls were kneeing very hard, it's just an extremely awkward position to be in with someone you've just met. There's no real way not to end up having a boob harmed in the process. They continued to whine that they wanted to grab the pads, but I wasn't giving them up. I wanted my full 3 minutes of kicks, even if it killed me. So, when it was my turn to kick, Tweedledee took the pads. Tweedledum would also kick - if she felt like it or if the instructor came over to watch. I started with my left leg, since it's the weaker of the two, and I have to say it wasn't as bad as my first lesson. My form was better, and it was more powerful than I thought. And also more than she had anticipated because her eyes got very big. When it was time to move to my right leg, she apparently didn't alter her stance for my dominant leg. I got into my stance, and laid one solid kick right to the pads.
And proceeded to drive the pad right into her chin.
I felt terrible, but I also kind of laughed at the stunned look on her face. She clearly hadn't been ready for it. I asked if she was okay and she said "Yeah, but you kick really hard." I tried to tone it down a bit until she was more comfortable with it, and there were no more accidents. I did have to count myself because she was concentrating so hard on not letting me kick her, that she couldn't focus on counting! I was going along at a good rate until the instructor noticed that Tweedledee was just standing there, so he'd make her kick. Even though she had already had her turn, he made her kick some more. It was a nice reprieve a few times from the burning in my hammies.
We were nearly done with our class at this point, and we only had 2 minutes of lunges remaining: 1 minute of forward lunges and 1 minute of back lunges. I hate lunges. Not nearly as much as push-ups, but mainly for the simple fact that it tears my knees apart. (Wow, I sound very whiny, don't I?)
And that concluded my first group class. It was 45 minutes of pure torture. Sweet, sweet torture. I loved every minute of it, even if every muscle in my body was twitching. (Later, when I got to my house, my arms were shaking enough, it took me a few tries to get the key in the lock.) We bowed to our partners and to the group, and everyone took off. I took the opportunity to do lots of stretching while my muscles were still warm, and only my two partners joined.
I also realized that my hands - well, most of me, really - smelled like schweaty balls. The gloves and pads we had been using were used by the class before ours, so they were still damp from other people's sweat. Blech. Now, I know why people bring their own gloves.
Even if the two girls were slightly annoying during class, they really were very nice and asked me lots of questions about myself afterwards. Eldamine and Amina, if I remember correctly, had purchased the Groupon as well, and would only be taking the class through the end of the month, like me.
I grabbed my stuff to leave and realized that not only was the fighting area damp, but the carpet in the foyer was also moist. I guess with all the humidity in there, it's never really dry. You'd think they'd opt for a different floor covering then. I didn't really care about anything at this point except for a shower, some tylenol and my bed.
I love the class, and am kind of bummed it's so expensive, but I just guess I'm going to have to make the most out of this month then!
