New Thing #56 - You're the Inspiration

I hope after reading the title you have that damn song in your head, because I do after having typed it. Ah well. Tonight I went to a book signing and met one of my relatively new favorite authors: Jen Lancaster, a nonfiction author who embodies the type of writer I'd like to be. She's not necessarily the inspiration for the blog itself - that I credit to the chick who was featured in Cosmo, but I credit Jen as my inspiration for the tone and humor I get out of ridiculous situations.

I first read one of Jen's book a few years ago when my best friend Meredith gave me one for my birthday. I believe Meredith read a few pages and instantly knew it would be my kind of book. The title was "Bright Lights, Big Ass" and was Jen's second memoir, chronicling her life of going from a high-powered executive buying $500 purses to being unemployed and shopping at Target. From the moment I started reading it, I fell in love with her. The way she wrote her books was a lot like the way I feel about my life and some of the ridiculous shenanigans that occur. She just managed to bottle all that craziness and capitalize on it. I couldn't put the book down and immediately went out to buy her first book and eagerly anticipated her third. Never had I felt so connected to an author before her. Not that we really had anything in common whatsoever. She lives in Chicago, would punch her own grandmother in the face for an expensive purse and wears pearls and plaid. I live in St. Louis, the archenemy of Chicagoans, refuse to pay more than $25 (on sale at Kohl's) for a purse and don't own any "fancy" expensive jewelry for fear it will get flushed down the toilet or eaten by a jungle cat. Hey, it could happen. So, other than our love for wit and sarcasm, and turning crappy situations into page turners, we got nothin'.

So, back to the point, she's a fabulous writer who takes her humor and uses it to bank on impossible situations. She's seriously awesome at it. Like Chuck Norris awesome. I even believe she has a cat named Chuck Norris. Which just makes her more awesome. And she coins phrases like "bat-shit-ham-sandwich-butterfinger-crazy". I will be stealing this phrase soon. My friend Brenda is also a big fan and was also inspired to write her blog after reading Jen's books and her blog. Side note: I did not know Jen had a blog until 4 days ago, and I feel like a boob for not knowing that. Anywho, Brenda follows her blog and noticed that she was touring to publicize her new book: "My Fair Lazy" and saw that she would be in the good ol' STL tonight. Knowing that I would be a good partner in crime, she invited me to come with.

The book signing was held at the Mad Art Gallery, and I am mad (haha, get it) as hell at myself for never having been to this little gem before. Nestled in southern Soulard a mere block or so from the Anheuser-Busch brewery is a former police station turned art gallery. (I mean seriously, any place close enough to smell the hops a brewin' is awesome in and of itself.) I've heard of it before, but have never made the connection that hey, it might have cool sh*t there, being as it's an art gallery and stuff. But, I did not know it used to house the po-pos. So, I got a two-fer tonight, my first book signing and my first foray into an art gallery with jail cells. Oh yeah, it still had jail cells you could hang out in. Double awesome.

We arrived early in order to get our tickets for the book signing. If you bought her new book there, you were assigned a ticket group number, so you could have your book signed. If you didn't buy a book, you had to wait until the very end of the night, if there was time, to get your book signed. I wanted her new book, and I didn't want to wait until the end of the night to get it signed, so I went ahead and bought it and ended up getting into Group #2. Sweet. I wouldn't have to wait around all night. Brenda and I had about an hour wait before she took the stage, but it gave us a chance to check out some of the art hanging on the walls. There is a pop-art-esque exhibit up on the walls now and it's pretty cool. There's a giant image of Marilyn Monroe made entirely out of sugar packets. Blue ones, yellow ones, pink ones. It's amazing. Retarded me didn't think to actually take pictures of any of the art though. Usually art galleries frown on that sort of thing anyways.

Once she arrived, she read a few pages from her book, and all the reasons why I love her came rushing back. Her particular example is how she's trying to be more "cultural", so while in San Francisco, decided to go to Chinatown and learn about tea services. The gist of is that she ended up spending $400 for 4-1lb bags of tea from a tiny Chinese lady who spoke .05% English. And she's pretty sure that 1 pound of that was some kind of black market heroin. Granted, I don't do her justice by paraphrasing, and while I would never buy $400 worth of anything from someone who didn't speak good Engrish, the crap that happens to her sounds exactly like something that would happen to me. Which is awesome.

Talkin' it up.

Only she can pull off plaid shorts, a polo shirt and pearls.

After the reading, she opened up the floor to questions. I wondered what she would be like, off the cuff so to speak. I always wonder if funny people, whether it be writers or comedians, are actually funny when they have nothing prepared. Jen didn't disappoint. Each one of her answers was ridiculous and funny and more often than not, completely long-winded and off topic. Which, if you've met me, you know that I tend to be the Exact. Same. Way. I can't tell you a story in under 5 minutes. It's physically impossible for me to get to the point in a reasonable amount of time. I seriously think that my hair might fall out or my spleen will explode if that were to happen. That's what makes me "me". And it's what makes my blogs so darn entertaining. *wink

I should mention that there was a bar. And 98% of the people at this thing were women. And some of these women were fully experiencing all that the bar had to offer. One woman had a 3-part question for Jen, with an additional follow-up question. All of which made little to no sense to anyone except for the lady asking the question. A few people asked Jen questions about reality shows that I had never even heard of. That's another thing we definitely do not have in common. My idea of reality television is Dancing with the Stars and the Biggest Loser. Jen's idea of quality reality tv is Jersey Shore and any version starting with "The Housewives of..."

Roughly an hour or so passed and it was time for the book signings. I took my leave to head to the little convict's room and use the facilities. Where I was accosted by a lady who was staring very intently at me. I realized that she was trying, in some bizarre way, to engage my participation in her little conversation she was having with no one in particular. I'm not a line talker, people. I don't particularly enjoy making small talk with random strangers while waiting in line to answer nature's call. But, she clearly did not know this. Her first comment to me was "You're gonna love the bathrooms. Have you ever been to the bathroom here before? Oh, you're gonna love these." Really, lady? While, I've been in a few stellar bathrooms that I would probably have no problems living in, I wouldn't necessarily go so far as to say that I actually love a bathroom. Nor do I give bathrooms that much of my time and attention. If there's no pee on the seat or on the floor and if there's toilet paper, it's pretty much A-ok in my book. I gave her the semi-nod and half-smile and tried to avert my attention elsewhere. This did not deter her. She went on to tell me that she had been there before (she was no newbie to THESE bathrooms) at a wedding. A burlesque wedding. Where the bride got naked before the wedding. In front of everyone. Thank God 3 stalls immediately opened up or I would have been forced to hear more about things that make me want to stab myself in the eye.

Not long after I made it back to the gallery, it was our group's turn to wait in line, and the event coordinator was very happy to boot people who weren't in our group yet. I wanted to hug her. We quickly made our way up to the front of the line and Brenda stepped up to get her book signed. She made small talk about Bret Michaels, who Jen is apparently a fan of, and I completely blanked when it was my turn. Granted, they were still talking about Bret, but I found that I literally had nothing to say. I froze and realized that it was best to keep my mouth shut or sputter something crazy like "I like your hair" for lack of something witty to say. We took a few pics with her and went on our way. And that was it. My one chance at thanking her for inspiring me, and I blew it. At least I got two books signed out of it. I had brought my original book Meredith had bought me, along with the new one I had just bought and she kindly signed both of them. Which makes her super awesome.

I'm trying hard not to be fazed by the celebrity next to me.

Me & Brenda with our fav author!

So, I survived my first book signing, and even hung out in one of the jail cells which is home to creepy-naked-statue-man. Thanks to Brenda for telling me about this and to Jen Lancaster (because I just KNOW she is reading this) for being an amazing inspiration to me. It's because of you that I put so much time and effort into making my blog enjoyable for others to read. And it's because of you that I've realized that I've been seriously slacking off the last 6 or so months and really need to get my butt back in gear. I'll admit that I've been lazy. The first 4 months after I turned 30 were my way of relaxing and slowing down after a hectic year. The last 6 there is no excuse other than I've been lazy. I will do my best to do better and get this blog up and running again.

What the fu-hell?

Seriously, what the?

Why so glum, creepy-naked-statue-man?

I'll make it better!