New Thing #58 - Zip, Zip & Away

I was finally able to go ziplining this weekend. I've been talking about wanting to go for years, even before my bucket list was formed. I never knew of any place near St. Louis that you could do it, but this summer a course opened up at Meramec Caverns called Caveman Zipline, less than an hour from St. Louis. It was pretty cheap, so I wasn't sure what to expect from the course, but at this point, I figured anything was better than nothing.

Meredith was able to come in town with me and go, because who else would I get to be my adventurous partner in crime? I can always count on Meredith to cross over to the crazy side with me. Our zip time was 11:30 and we arrived a bit early. We took the time to sign our waivers accepting the fact that we're responsible...yadda yadda yadda. I've signed enough of these forms that I really don't read them anymore. They just try to scare the daylights out of you anyways.

The place was packed. I couldn't believe how many people were going ziplining. According to some of the workers they said it was one of the busiest days they've had since opening in May. This is why I recommend reservations if anyone ever goes. Come to find out they can take up to 12 people at a time and they try to fill those 12 spots as much as possible. We ended up going with a couple and then a group of 7 people including a young boy and a grandma who was in her 60s. She was terrified. Surprisingly, she ended up doing really well. Way to go grandma.

The first order of business was to get our equipment which included a butt harness, the pulley system for the cables, helmet and gloves. We also purchased carabiner water bottles to take some gatorade with us. The butt harness wasn't too bad, the guy tightening mine didn't cut off the circulation too badly. It was actually more comfortable than the sky diving harnesses I've worn. Meredith's was a bit tight and I think it might have started cutting off her circulation at one point. Our pulleys were hooked onto our harnesses along with our full bottles. I quickly realized that maybe the water bottle was a bad idea considering how difficult it was to try to walk while swinging that thing between my legs...on top of the pulleys and carabiners already dangling there. That must have been entertaining for people to watch us walk.

Rockin' the butt harness. (Don't stare too long or you might be blinded by my legs.)

We're cute in our geeky-lookin' gear.

Now that we were all geared up, it was time to head to the practice site where the two guides explained how to actually zipline. There's a bit more to it than just flying balls to the wall down a rope. And this is where Meredith and I started to rethink this idea. But, in hindsight, the little practice area that was 4 feet off the ground was nothing like the actual zipline. And it was much more difficult.

The first rule is to cross your ankles and keep your feet outstretched in front of you (which makes you lean back a bit). That's supposed to help you go faster. Noted. Next, your non-dominant hand goes at the top of your strap underneath where the pulleys are attached to the rope. (You can use this hand to spin you back around if you get twisted. I did not find that this worked at all.) Your dominant hand goes at the bottom of the strap and can be removed to help you brake. So far everything seemed pretty easy. Then they explained braking. You basically slow yourself down by adding friction to the line with the palm of your hand. Yep, while you're flying 50 mph down this metal cable, you're supposed to use your HAND to slow you down. Good thing we had those leather gloves. Braking involves applying pressure down on the cable to slow you down. The harder the pressure, the more you slow down. The important thing to remember, which I totally blanked on during the first zip, was that you're supposed to brake behind you. Essentially whatever direction you came from. That's easy enough to remember if you don't get twisted around. When you twist and end up going backwards, your brain doesn't compute fast enough and you put your hand in front of the pulley system. This is a big no-no unless you enjoy getting your hand pinched in between a large metal cable and steel pulley system.

Then, the guides explained to us about the emergency brake and self-rescue. The e-brake is what they do if you're coming in too fast to the end tower and you haven't braked or if you have braked, but you suck at it. Rather than you ending up splattering yourself on the pole, they throw a rope out 6 or so feet that literally will stop you in tracks. The rope is attached to the metal cable and when your pulley hits it, you don't go anywhere, except into a state of whiplash I presume. I was kind of paranoid about this because I was not looking forward to the whiplash that was sure to occur. The self-rescue seemed "easy" enough, but I did not want to have to do it. If you dangle your feet or twist too much during a zip, you can lose momentum and not quite make it to the end. If this happens you have to haul your ass to the end going backward hand over hand on the cable. While practicing on the ground, this was more difficult than it sounds. I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to do it.

Once all eleven of us had tried out braking and self-rescuing on the practice line (I did the braking just fine, but then again I was only going about .0125 mph.), we headed up to the first tower. Tim, one of our guides, informed us that there were 71 stairs to the top. One of the ladies in our group proceeded to count Every. Damn. Step. as we went up. Seriously? Not necessary lady. By the time we got to the top, I'll admit, my nerves were running rampant. The height didn't bother me at all. In fact, zipping over the Meramec River didn't really phase me. I was honestly more freaked out about keeping my form and remembering to brake, but not braking too much that I have to self-rescue, but braking enough that I don't plow into the tower, but still enjoy what I'm doing, and.....you get the idea.

Tower #1, all 71 stairs of it. This is where we left from.

Some random person leaving the first tower.

Another random person zipping over the parking lot.

Carlos, our other guide, took off first so he could be at the end tower to grab us, stop us or e-brake us if necessary. Both boys looked fresh out of high school and today was their first day working together. By the end of the course, I could tell that they didn't really like working together. It got a little more awkward as the day went on. Once Carlos was set at his end, Tim started sending us one by one to the other side. Apparently all the radios were dead, so they had to yell at each other to see if it was safe to send the next person. Yep, I said yell. Across thousands of feet and a river. Brilliant, guys, just brilliant. You could just barely make out the other tower, so it was hard to be able to see. We did all manage to make it across each time without rearending the person before us.

You can't even see the other tower across the river.

This is the tower with my camera zoomed in as far as it would go.

Time was ticking slowly as Meredith and I waited our turns. We were back in the corner, so we figured we would be last. Nope, Tim had other ideas and he randomly snatched Mere from the back and sent her on her way. From what I could tell, she did really well. She kept her form and I don't think she twisted at all. She also made it to the end safely without having to pull herself across. Then, it was my turn. Tim hooked up the two pulleys to each of the two cables, and attached the cord to me and I was all set to go. I "sat down" in the harness, and "legs up, feet crossed" and away I went.

Mere getting hooked up.

Look at her go! Sorry I had to cut it short, but Tim was beckoning me to get strapped in.

I will warn you before you watch this that I wasn't actually holding onto my camera. It's just on a neck strap, so every time I moved, it moved. I couldn't hold it and brake at the same time, so this is the best footage I could get! Take some Dramamine first if you're prone to seasickness.

It. Was. Awesome. It wasn't quite as fast as I was expecting, but it was so freakin' fun. Which is why I got totally lost in what I was doing and realized almost too late that I was supposed to brake. I ended up getting twisted, so I was coming in backwards. I had no idea how far away I was at all and suddenly I heard "BRAKE!" and I was able to brake myself to keep from plowing into Carlos. In my haste, I also did the braking on the wrong side of the cable, so that my hand was in front of the pulley. Big no-no. Fortunately, I didn't pinch my hand or break anything, so I was lucky. And I was so ready for the next zip.

I would have to say that the crappiest part of the entire day was the waiting. The entire course took around an hour and a half and I was probably waiting for an hour and fifteen minutes of it. You had to wait for each person to get across and get unhooked before the next person could go. So I was either waiting to zip or waiting for everyone else to finishing zipping. It was kind of a pain in the rear. One of the reasons Tim didn't like Carlos is because he was taking forever to unclip us. He was very chatty and I think that slowed him down a bit. But, he was just trying to engage us into having a good time.

After we all landed at the second tower, we had to walk up a sky bridge to get to the next tower. This was harder than it looks. It's a wobbly wooden bridge with an incredibly steep incline and they ask you not to run up it. What the crap? I got close to the top of this first one and I was losing momentum and about rolled back down it. It took all the muscles in my calves to make it up. Wow, that made me feel like a huge wimp. Now we were at Tower 3 and had the shortest and fastest zip ahead of us. According to the sign, we could get up to 50+ mph on this one. Sweet! That one was super fun and I managed to stay facing forward the entire time. I barely had to brake any (and I braked properly this time), so I came in perfectly and had a 9.7 landing.

The wooden bridge. See? It's a bit steep.

It was incredibly wobbly and difficult to walk up!

Like a glove! :)

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

We had to trek across another sky bridge and this time Carlos made us touch some dead tree limb hanging across part of it. Why? I have no idea. But, he wasn't going to let us on the platform if we didn't touch the stupid vine of life. Whatever dude. You have issues. Tim just rolled his eyes. The third zip from here I got to go first. Tim told me I probably wouldn't have to brake at all. I ended up getting twisted from almost the beginning and went backward for most of it. I ended up coming into the tower butt first. When Carlos unhooked me he asked if Tim sent me backwards. I said no, I did that all on my own. I'm super cool like that.

Me. Being Awesome.

See the wooden support post in the middle of the picture? And just to the left of it is a vine crossing the bridge straight up and down? Yeah, that's the vine of life. Exciting, right?

Ahhh, rope bridge!

Again, more waiting, so I took a drink break and tackled trying to get my carabiner loose to be able to drink my Gatorade which had grown quite warm at this point. This was the first time I went before Meredith, so I was able to video her coming in to land. She was pretty good. She managed to keep herself straight most of the time and not twist at all and she landed so easily on the platform. She's such a rockstar.

Mere's Landing. Such a pro. :) And to think she was nervous! lol

Finally, one more sky bridge (finally) and we had to trek up more stairs to get to the final zip. This was the highest tower and would also be the longest zip. We were to head back across the river. When we first arrived, the parking lot is right under the line and we saw lots of people having to self-rescue. Tim said that not many people make it all the way across without having to help themselves a little. Fan-freakin'-tastic. I was enjoying the ziplining at this point, but I was really ready to be done. I was tired and hot and tired of the drama playing out between our two guides.

Last bridge to the final zip tower. What you can't see is the extended height that isn't visible through the trees. We had many more stairs to climb to get to this highest tower.

That's the view from the tower. You definitely can't even see the final tower we landed at. The bottom of the picture is the river.

A view of the ground from where we were.

On top of the world. Or at least the top of the Caveman world.

Tim really didn't want his picture taken, so he decided to pout! Those young whipper-snappers are so silly.

According to them, the last tower was called Ja-Oo-Oo, which in some Indian dialect means Caveman. Sure it does. So, they told each one of us we had to yell it while zipping. I attempted my best Captain Caveman version. Since they didn't recommend braking at all on this zip to keep up our momentum, I got much better footage than the previous three zips. I still ended up getting twisted around though. Dangit. And I almost made it all the way to the end. I only had to pull myself a few feet to get to the platform. They had a guy taking photos of us as we came across (to purchase of course). When I went to look at mine, I looked stupid because I had my camera in my hand the whole time. Needless to say I didn't buy any pictures.

The final zip!

We finally headed back down the last tower and returned all of our gear and harnesses. My butt was very happy to be out of that tight thing. My back was a little sore at the end from leaning back in the harness as I zipped, but it wasn't too bad.

All in all, it was a really great experience, and I'm glad I was finally able to go. Now, I really want to go on a much bigger course. AND have fewer people to go with so I don't have to wait so damn long. Thanks to Meredith for braving the Caveman Zipline with me! :)

New Thing #57 - Siplicity

Yes, the title is spelled correctly. It's Siplicity, the name of the winery 5 of us plan on starting soon. This is due to the fact that I went on a winery crawl for the first time today. I went with my friends Betsy and Natalie and their friend Kelly for her birthday. Kelly's sister, Crystal also joined us.

Believe it or not, I've never been to a real winery, only that wine bar I went to a year or so ago (which, by the way was awesome, and I'm sad it closed down). Since I didn't really dip my toes into the wine pool until a few years ago, wineries weren't my thing. Nor did any of my friends really go to wineries back in the day. After I started drinking wine, I was really only limited to Rieslings, so it's taken awhile for me to really enjoy other wines. And now that I've expanded my repertoire, I was finally able to make it happen.

We headed to Southern Illinois, south of Carbondale this morning to the Shawnee Hills Wine Trail. There are a dozen wineries all within minutes of each other, nestled down back country roads. It took us about an hour and a half to two hours to get to the first one, StarView Vineyards, and we arrived right at lunchtime. And it wasn't exactly what I was expecting. I guess I had in my head that wineries were huge, acres and acres of grape vines and vast, spralling estates sprinkled with numerous buildings. Nope. This first vineyard had only two main buildings, a small section of grape vines and little pond out back. I never would have guessed it was a winery on first glance. It was cute though and I was excited to have a look.

StarView!

The main building.

The barn out back.

Upon entry, there was a bar dotted with people having their tasting, so we walked around for a few minutes. There was the main entry hall with the wine bar and gift shop, a side room filled with tables and chairs that could serve as a dining hall during the chillier months or a reception hall for an event. And off the back was a nice deck overlooking the pond and grapevines, filled with umbrella tables. Once the hall cleared out, we took our turn with our tasting. As I've stated before, I much prefer sweeter wines than the dry, so I took the sweet route, along with Natalie and Kelly, while Betsy and Crystal went with the dry route. Our tasting included 5 wines and our first was Vidal Blanc, a semi-sweet wine with nothing special. I mean it tasted okay, but I wasn't blown away by it. Next was the Venus and it was slightly sweeter, and rolled around on my tongue a bit more. (I have no idea what that means, but it sounds cool.) The third was my favorite, the Moonlight White, and I immediately took to this one. Natalie and Kelly agreed that it was their favorite so far as well. The fourth, Silver Star, knocked me over when I smelled it. It was bad, I mean like dirty socks bad. Okay, so it didn't smell like dirty socks, but it wasn't a great smell. I couldn't imagine it tasting very good, but I gave it a shot anyways. And I was surprised that it tasted a lot like grape juice. The lady explained to us that this wine was made with the same grapes used to make white grape juice. How could something smell so bad and yet taste like something as good as grape juice? The taste of it was good, but I knew I'd never be able to make it through an entire bottle. It was just too sweet.

Inner dining hall.

Grapes!

Pond off the back deck.

The final thing we all tasted was their Sangria and it was a little party in my mouth. It was light red with a sweetness that wasn't overpowering and it was heavenly. The minute we tasted it, we all agreed to split a pitcher of this angelic nectar. We ordered some appetizers and then headed out to the patio to relax. We nibbled on (and by nibbled I mean engulfed) our spinach and artichoke dip, bread and oil and olive tapenade. The amount of bread they gave us could have fed an entire village. But, considering the way we were pounding Sangria, it's a good thing we had all that bread.

Mmmm...oil and bread.

Spinach artichoke dip and bread.

Crystal, Kelly, me, Betsy & Natalie

After finishing our Sangria, and you know, the food, we decided to make our way to the next winery on our list. But not before Kelly, Natalie and I all purchased a bottle of the Moonlight White. Next on our list was Owl Creek Vineyard, and it was just a short hop skip and a jump away from StarView. Owl Creek was smaller in scale than StarView, but it was charming and quaint and didn't come across as cheesy even though they played on the owl theme. We had a quick tasting here that once again consisted of the Sweets. Betsy joined Kelly, Natalie and I on this route, whereas Crystal stayed with the dry theme. The first was Whooo's Blush, a rose wine with a strawberry undertone. It was kind of dry, but not too bad. The lady serving us said that it was the second most popular of the sweets. Next was the Water Valley White and it used two grapes, tasting a lot like the Silver Star from Starview. Except this one wasn't as overly sweet like the other one. It still tasted a lot like grape juice, but it was a bit more tarty (this is why I will never be a wine conossieur. I use words like tarty to describe wine.) I really liked it. Number three was Ruby Red Concord and tasted a lot like the Water Valley White as well, but I didn't like it as much. It was almost too grape-juicey for me. Fourth was Zengeist, named after two of their owls, that was a dessert wine. This one was pretty fantastic as well. Finally we tried the Framboise, another dessert wine with raspberry and brandy undertones that packed quite a kick at the end. I found out why when she told us this wine had the highest alcohol content of all of the wines. Right-o. That one'll knock you on your ass.

This was smaller than StarView.

More grapes!

Me & Betsy by the cool sign.

Nat & Bets

We didn't spend a lot of time at Owl Creek, mainly because it was smaller and didn't have as much room to spread out. We quickly finished our tastings, each bought a bottle of wine (I bought the Water Valley White) and headed out. Oh and we also kept our tasting glasses because they were awesome. I ended up with a total of 3 tasting glasses for the day. I now have some random additions to my tiny wine glass collection.

Von Jakob Vineyard was third on our list and it was about 20 or so miles from Owl Creek. All that wine and good food made me nap for a bit during the drive. At first glance, Von Jakob looked less like a winery than the first two. It wasn't nestled among the trees and situated by a little pond off the beaten path with charming little buildings. Nope. It was a giant tool shed right off the road. The grape vines were out back, but it definitely didn't look like a vineyard. It could have been a biker bar for all I knew. We saw enough of those in the tiny towns we drove through to get to each winery.

The back deck of the tool shed.

The scenic view.

Our tasting was completely free here, where both the other wineries charged a few bucks and only let us try 5 wines. At Von Jakob, which I swear I kept calling Von Trapp all day, they let us try as many wines as we wanted. And try we did. I couldn't even keep track of how many I tasted. Not that I was drunk, but there were so many coming at us so quickly. I have no idea what order I tried these in, but here ya go: Hillside White - semi-dry, Jonathan Apple - sweet, Late Harvest Vidal - sweet, Hillside Red - semi-dry, Honey Peach - semi-sweet, She's a Peach - sweet. I think I tried more than that, but these I know for sure. And I loved every single one of them. Even the red wine. Probably because it was only semi-dry. I knew that this place could be very dangerous since everything tasted so good.

The outside may have looked like a tool shed, but the inside was rather large and the back patio area was huge. They let us take food outside, so we bought a pitcher of the Jonathan Apple Spritzer to take with us. The spritzer was a bottle of the JA wine, 1/2 can of Sprite, orange juice, pineapple juice and sliced oranges and apples. Again, I think this is what angels' sweat tastes like. The girls had packed cooler upon cooler of food for us to eat so we wouldn't have to pay for winery fare. And eat we did. You'd think we were staying for three days. We had 5 different kinds of dips/spreads, 4 different kinds of cheeses, 3 different kinds of crackers, grapes, watermelon, celery, M&M's, you name it. We tore into that food like a pack of vultures on a fresh kill. Seriously it was kind of out of control.

Some of the food.

This is part of the wine label. The bottle was sweating due to the heat and the label came right off. And I had the bright idea of sticking it on my arm. Yeah, I'm brilliant. Until I tried to pull it off my skin.

Somewhere during our feast, Kelly purchased us some wine to drink, and I believe it was the Honey Peach. I liked it during the tasting. At first sip it was light, refreshing and sweet. At 54th sip, it was little too overpowering it its sweetness and I think it made me a little nauseous. (But that could have just been because of the 8 pounds of food I just pounded.) Also at some point a rowdy group of hoosiers (not the kind from Indiana) sat at the table a few feet from us. And about 4.5 seconds later some girl dropped her wine glass in her rowdiness, causing them to move to the table directly behind us (and blocking the fan. A$$holes.). Seriously the guy behind me was sitting so close that I could hear his little brain cells crying out in torture. Every time he got up (which was often), his plastic chair would ram into the back of mine. "Oh sorry, if we're bothering you ladies, just let us know." You think? A few of the girls were more plastic than organic material and one girl was keeping a stick in her purse. Seriously. A stick. They told us they were riding around in a dilapidated bus, and Natalie swore it was the rusty old bus we passed at another winery a few hours before. We never did confirm this, but I believe she was right.

We spent quite a bit of time at Von Trapp, oops Von Jakob, and it was an incredible amount of fun. You can't beat gorgeous weather, good company, good food and good wine. On our way out, we passed through their inner hall and discovered the funniest thing of the day. Granted, we were all a bit tipsy at this point (some more than others), but there was a lovely version of "Born to be Wild" being sung. By a guy slightly stuck in the 80s with gray hair and the patchy facial hair of a teenage boy. It was probably the most unenergetic version of that song. Ever. But the best part? There were about a half dozen silver-hairs boogeying their little hearts out. It was absolutely hysterical in the best possible way. I hope when I'm a grandmother, I can still shake my money-maker to Steppenwolf by a washed-up wedding singer.

Oh yeah, and rather than walking around the dance floor and the group as a whole, Natalie decided to walk right through the middle, causing everyone to gape at her in horror. It's amazing none of those people took a switch to her.

Our final destination was to be Rustle Hill Winery and this place was gorgeous. This was a bit more of what I was expecting. It's main hall was intricately decorated with indoor seating, an outdoor patio, a terraced hill dotted with picnic tables and benches all facing a stage, flanked by a pond. Up the hill were cabins that could be rented. It was stunning. Our tasting here consisted of 6 wines and we could choose anything they had. I started with Vignoles, a semi-sweet white that was pretty good. Next was Chardonel, a semi-sweet white that I didn't like at all. The Sweet Seyval Blanc was a sweet white that was pretty darn tasty (but, who am I kidding. About this time of the day, they really all started to taste the same). I tried a dry red, Cabernet Franc and it tasted a bit like how I think a cotton ball would taste if I dipped it in grape juice and sucked it til it was dry. Then, we tried their Sangria, of which they had two varieties. The first was their red, made with Chambourcin, a dry red. I actually really liked this. Next was the peach, made with their Chardonel. I liked this even better, which is shocking, since I didn't like the actual wine itself. Then, ohhhh, she suggested we mix the two together, and it was an explosion of awesomeness in my mouth. That's really the only way I can describe it. It was the last thing I tasted of the day and they definitely saved the best for last. We all agreed again to snag a pitcher of this, and we headed back outside to end our day. It seemed to be a Sangria kind of day.

We had the munchies again, so we snacked on some of our remaining stash and listened to some of the live music wafting our way. It was such a great end to a wonderful day. The weather was perfect, the company was great, and the wine (especially the Sangria) was exactly what I needed on a nice holiday weekend.

Our final stop.

The drive back was interesting though. Natalie's husband was our DD, and the poor guy had to listen to 5 drunk girls ramble on for an hour or so until the sun went down. As soon it started to get dark though, we were all passed out in various states of inebriation until we made it back to St. Louis. I call that a day well spent.

New Thing #56 - You're the Inspiration

I hope after reading the title you have that damn song in your head, because I do after having typed it. Ah well. Tonight I went to a book signing and met one of my relatively new favorite authors: Jen Lancaster, a nonfiction author who embodies the type of writer I'd like to be. She's not necessarily the inspiration for the blog itself - that I credit to the chick who was featured in Cosmo, but I credit Jen as my inspiration for the tone and humor I get out of ridiculous situations.

I first read one of Jen's book a few years ago when my best friend Meredith gave me one for my birthday. I believe Meredith read a few pages and instantly knew it would be my kind of book. The title was "Bright Lights, Big Ass" and was Jen's second memoir, chronicling her life of going from a high-powered executive buying $500 purses to being unemployed and shopping at Target. From the moment I started reading it, I fell in love with her. The way she wrote her books was a lot like the way I feel about my life and some of the ridiculous shenanigans that occur. She just managed to bottle all that craziness and capitalize on it. I couldn't put the book down and immediately went out to buy her first book and eagerly anticipated her third. Never had I felt so connected to an author before her. Not that we really had anything in common whatsoever. She lives in Chicago, would punch her own grandmother in the face for an expensive purse and wears pearls and plaid. I live in St. Louis, the archenemy of Chicagoans, refuse to pay more than $25 (on sale at Kohl's) for a purse and don't own any "fancy" expensive jewelry for fear it will get flushed down the toilet or eaten by a jungle cat. Hey, it could happen. So, other than our love for wit and sarcasm, and turning crappy situations into page turners, we got nothin'.

So, back to the point, she's a fabulous writer who takes her humor and uses it to bank on impossible situations. She's seriously awesome at it. Like Chuck Norris awesome. I even believe she has a cat named Chuck Norris. Which just makes her more awesome. And she coins phrases like "bat-shit-ham-sandwich-butterfinger-crazy". I will be stealing this phrase soon. My friend Brenda is also a big fan and was also inspired to write her blog after reading Jen's books and her blog. Side note: I did not know Jen had a blog until 4 days ago, and I feel like a boob for not knowing that. Anywho, Brenda follows her blog and noticed that she was touring to publicize her new book: "My Fair Lazy" and saw that she would be in the good ol' STL tonight. Knowing that I would be a good partner in crime, she invited me to come with.

The book signing was held at the Mad Art Gallery, and I am mad (haha, get it) as hell at myself for never having been to this little gem before. Nestled in southern Soulard a mere block or so from the Anheuser-Busch brewery is a former police station turned art gallery. (I mean seriously, any place close enough to smell the hops a brewin' is awesome in and of itself.) I've heard of it before, but have never made the connection that hey, it might have cool sh*t there, being as it's an art gallery and stuff. But, I did not know it used to house the po-pos. So, I got a two-fer tonight, my first book signing and my first foray into an art gallery with jail cells. Oh yeah, it still had jail cells you could hang out in. Double awesome.

We arrived early in order to get our tickets for the book signing. If you bought her new book there, you were assigned a ticket group number, so you could have your book signed. If you didn't buy a book, you had to wait until the very end of the night, if there was time, to get your book signed. I wanted her new book, and I didn't want to wait until the end of the night to get it signed, so I went ahead and bought it and ended up getting into Group #2. Sweet. I wouldn't have to wait around all night. Brenda and I had about an hour wait before she took the stage, but it gave us a chance to check out some of the art hanging on the walls. There is a pop-art-esque exhibit up on the walls now and it's pretty cool. There's a giant image of Marilyn Monroe made entirely out of sugar packets. Blue ones, yellow ones, pink ones. It's amazing. Retarded me didn't think to actually take pictures of any of the art though. Usually art galleries frown on that sort of thing anyways.

Once she arrived, she read a few pages from her book, and all the reasons why I love her came rushing back. Her particular example is how she's trying to be more "cultural", so while in San Francisco, decided to go to Chinatown and learn about tea services. The gist of is that she ended up spending $400 for 4-1lb bags of tea from a tiny Chinese lady who spoke .05% English. And she's pretty sure that 1 pound of that was some kind of black market heroin. Granted, I don't do her justice by paraphrasing, and while I would never buy $400 worth of anything from someone who didn't speak good Engrish, the crap that happens to her sounds exactly like something that would happen to me. Which is awesome.

Talkin' it up.

Only she can pull off plaid shorts, a polo shirt and pearls.

After the reading, she opened up the floor to questions. I wondered what she would be like, off the cuff so to speak. I always wonder if funny people, whether it be writers or comedians, are actually funny when they have nothing prepared. Jen didn't disappoint. Each one of her answers was ridiculous and funny and more often than not, completely long-winded and off topic. Which, if you've met me, you know that I tend to be the Exact. Same. Way. I can't tell you a story in under 5 minutes. It's physically impossible for me to get to the point in a reasonable amount of time. I seriously think that my hair might fall out or my spleen will explode if that were to happen. That's what makes me "me". And it's what makes my blogs so darn entertaining. *wink

I should mention that there was a bar. And 98% of the people at this thing were women. And some of these women were fully experiencing all that the bar had to offer. One woman had a 3-part question for Jen, with an additional follow-up question. All of which made little to no sense to anyone except for the lady asking the question. A few people asked Jen questions about reality shows that I had never even heard of. That's another thing we definitely do not have in common. My idea of reality television is Dancing with the Stars and the Biggest Loser. Jen's idea of quality reality tv is Jersey Shore and any version starting with "The Housewives of..."

Roughly an hour or so passed and it was time for the book signings. I took my leave to head to the little convict's room and use the facilities. Where I was accosted by a lady who was staring very intently at me. I realized that she was trying, in some bizarre way, to engage my participation in her little conversation she was having with no one in particular. I'm not a line talker, people. I don't particularly enjoy making small talk with random strangers while waiting in line to answer nature's call. But, she clearly did not know this. Her first comment to me was "You're gonna love the bathrooms. Have you ever been to the bathroom here before? Oh, you're gonna love these." Really, lady? While, I've been in a few stellar bathrooms that I would probably have no problems living in, I wouldn't necessarily go so far as to say that I actually love a bathroom. Nor do I give bathrooms that much of my time and attention. If there's no pee on the seat or on the floor and if there's toilet paper, it's pretty much A-ok in my book. I gave her the semi-nod and half-smile and tried to avert my attention elsewhere. This did not deter her. She went on to tell me that she had been there before (she was no newbie to THESE bathrooms) at a wedding. A burlesque wedding. Where the bride got naked before the wedding. In front of everyone. Thank God 3 stalls immediately opened up or I would have been forced to hear more about things that make me want to stab myself in the eye.

Not long after I made it back to the gallery, it was our group's turn to wait in line, and the event coordinator was very happy to boot people who weren't in our group yet. I wanted to hug her. We quickly made our way up to the front of the line and Brenda stepped up to get her book signed. She made small talk about Bret Michaels, who Jen is apparently a fan of, and I completely blanked when it was my turn. Granted, they were still talking about Bret, but I found that I literally had nothing to say. I froze and realized that it was best to keep my mouth shut or sputter something crazy like "I like your hair" for lack of something witty to say. We took a few pics with her and went on our way. And that was it. My one chance at thanking her for inspiring me, and I blew it. At least I got two books signed out of it. I had brought my original book Meredith had bought me, along with the new one I had just bought and she kindly signed both of them. Which makes her super awesome.

I'm trying hard not to be fazed by the celebrity next to me.

Me & Brenda with our fav author!

So, I survived my first book signing, and even hung out in one of the jail cells which is home to creepy-naked-statue-man. Thanks to Brenda for telling me about this and to Jen Lancaster (because I just KNOW she is reading this) for being an amazing inspiration to me. It's because of you that I put so much time and effort into making my blog enjoyable for others to read. And it's because of you that I've realized that I've been seriously slacking off the last 6 or so months and really need to get my butt back in gear. I'll admit that I've been lazy. The first 4 months after I turned 30 were my way of relaxing and slowing down after a hectic year. The last 6 there is no excuse other than I've been lazy. I will do my best to do better and get this blog up and running again.

What the fu-hell?

Seriously, what the?

Why so glum, creepy-naked-statue-man?

I'll make it better!

New Thing #55 - Speed Racer

Okay, so I've gotten a speeding ticket before, but only two in my 14 years behind the wheel. I'd say that's not too bad. Last month, I received my third, and it was within the city limits of St. Louis. For going 40 in a 30. Which, if you live within the City limits, you would know that not even the cops follow speed limit signs. Hell, most people don't even stop at stop signs. (In case you're wondering, I do happen to stop at all stop signs, red lights and for little old ladies that are jaywalking.) But, the ticket itself is not the new thing....it's the paying of the ticket without getting it fixed. Which, if you're wondering, does not happen to be on my bucket list.

I was on my way to work on my normal route cruising right along (and slowing down) to the red light up ahead. As I pulled up to the light, with another car in front of me, a police car threw on his lights and pulled away from the curb to sit directly behind me. I was flabbergasted and assumed it was for the car in front of me. I wasn't speeding. Couldn't have been speeding. I was on my way to work for crying out loud, and I was early, so it's not like I was in a hurry. As we sat there with Officer Crankypants and his technicolor display behind me, the light eventually turned green and both I and the car in front of me pulled over. The cop stopped and the car in front of me left. But the officer didn't follow him. I was seriously perplexed at this point. To make a long story short (since the ticket itself is not the reason for the blog), he made a point to tell me that I was going 40 in a 30 and Fyler (the street we were on) had a limit of 30. He even pointed at the speed limit sign directly in front of us. I will admit that there's no doubt that I was going 40, I'm sure I was. I was just peeved that I actually got pulled over for that crap. In the city. If you live here, you know what a joke traffic stops are. The police have much better things to worry about like crack addicts, gang violence and burglaries than to worry about a 30 year old girl on her way to work.

On my way to work the next morning, I started to pay attention on the street between where I turned onto it and where he pulled me over. Not one single speed limit sign to tell me it was 30. Nada. Son of a batch of cookies. I wish I had known that when he was giving me his Crankypants schpiel the morning before. (Not that I would have really argued with him though. I would have thought about it and then chickened out.) Crap. There's no way I'm going to want to pay the lawyer fees, etc to contest the ticket in court. Dangit, screwed by The Man.

Fast forward to today when I decided to pay my ticket. My two previous tickets were "fixed" by lawyer friends, so I never had to worry about sending in money for the actual ticket. I just paid the lawyers, and they took care of the rest. The officer had kindly highlighted the information I would need to call to find out how much I owed. It wasn't printed on the ticket anywhere. Well, the City of St. Louis is at least in the 21st century and had a website I could access to find out how much it would be. Mother trucker, it was more expensive than I thought. There was an online payment option, which was awesome. I could pay asap and not worry about mailing in a pesky check.

Ahhh..but the City had other ideas. So, the "website" that can be accessed to pay your ticket is not actually a division of the City of St. Louis's government site. Oh no, it was a website called "Official Payments" that says it's a leading provider of online payments to the IRS, states, municipalities, colleges, on and on and on. I was a bit leery of using the site, but I thought I would at least look into it first. I clicked on the state of MO to find the City information, and got this lovely error message: "Missouri has not yet contracted with Official Payments to process State Payments using credit cards." W. T. F. Are you kidding me? This is ridiculous. I tried searching around the website for 20 minutes trying to get around that, but nope, it wouldn't let me proceed. Brilliant execution by the City of St. Louis again.

So, I was back to paying my ticket via check. As I looked closer to the back of my ticket to see who to make the check out to, I saw that there were two payment options: one for City Violations and one for State Violations. The officer had highlighted the State Violations section. Hmmmm. That didn't make any sense, I was in the city limits when I got pulled over. I decided to call the phone number listed under the City violations, hoping that someone on the other end would be able to help me out.

Ten minutes later I was still on hold, and hadn't spoken to one single human. Lots of pre-recorded messages and numbers to push. I was not happy. Two minutes later, another pre-recorded message told me that they were experiencing a high call volume, and that I should try back between the hours of 8 am and 5 pm to talk to a clerk. (Umm....I was calling at 9:35 am.) And then the evil message thanked me, told me to have a nice day and promptly hung up. I'm not going to lie, curse words were flowing quite freely at this point. It's a good thing I went to another part of the office to make this call or my coworkers would have been a bit alarmed.

I went back to the ticket to study the information and thought that maybe I was supposed to send it to the address listed under State Violations. That is the section he highlighted after all. I had made up my mind to send my check there when I noticed some fine print that said "Checks or payment by mail will NOT be accepted at the Traffic Violation Bureau." The address I was about to send my check to was the Traffic Violation Bureau. What the hell did that mean? Why did it give me an address under Payment Information and then turn around tell me not to send any money there?

Good grief, I just wanted to pay my stupid ticket before the city issued a warrant for my arrest. I decided to try the number under the State Violation section and see if maybe they would at least answer and point me in the right direction. One ring later, I thought I saw salvation, a live person actually answered the phone. But, she dashed my hopes in about 4.6 seconds when she told me she couldn't help me. But, she did give me a number that I could call and they could help me. I turned around and tried that number and got some lady's answering machine. No name, just a recording telling me to leave my name and number. Well, I figured it didn't hurt to at least leave a brief message and hope to hell she would call me back.

I thought maybe I had missed something on the website, so I decided to go back and peruse it again in case I found a way to pay. Especially since the recording told me 84 times while I was on hold that I could pay online. I still found no way around that damn state issue. I even tried to get help from my coworkers. My boss was kind enough to say "who gets speeding tickets in the city? I didn't even know they stopped people for speeding." Well, apparently they do Captain Sarcastic. Or maybe I was just the lucky one that caught Officer Crankypants when he was bored out of his mind.

Since no one could help me, I decided to try calling the city again and again until I actually got someone. Fortunately, this time I was lucky and only waited on hold for 7 minutes. When the lady answered her phone, I kindly explained to her that I had received a speeding ticket in the city, but the officer had marked that I should pay the state. I was wanting to verify where I should send my payment. Below is the conversation that followed:

Clerk: "in a car?"
Heather: "Beg your pardon?:
C: "Were you in a car?"
I tried very hard not to snort at her at this point....because I really wanted to say "no, I was running really really fast." Instead, I said "yes, ma'am, I was in a car."
C: "What was the ticket for?"
My patience was starting to wear thin.
H: "Speeding"

C: "And what do you want to know?"

H: "Where I should send my payment. I have two addresses listed on the ticket and I want to make sure I send it to the correct place."

C: "Okay, what is your ticket number?"

I gave it to her.

C: "Heather Jones?"

H: "Yes."

C: "A ticket for speeding?"

H: "Yeeeesssss."

C: "Okay, you send that here to 1520 Market Street."

I should note that this was NOT one of the two addresses listed on my ticket.

H: "And who should I make the check out to?"

C: "the City of St. Louis."

Again, not on my ticket anywhere.

H: "I'm really glad I called because this address wasn't on the ticket anywhere at all."

C: "Well, we just moved to this location."

Oh ok.

H: "Oh, when was that?"

C: "August."

.....and they still don't have it listed on their computer-generated tickets yet? Again, brilliant execution by this fair city.

H: "Okay, well, thank you for your time, I'll send my check in today."

This stuff only happens to me. Anyone else would have had no trouble paying a simple speeding ticket. But, no, I get the officer who is geographically challenged, the non-functioning website and the Mensa candidate working at the city court. Awesome.